Where have I been?

So...I've been gone and not posting.  To the disappointment of many authors I haven't kept up my end of the ARC promises and honestly, it's an even bigger disappointment to myself.  I've just not had my heart in it.  When you think you need to escape into books but all the books you read remind you of what you've lost, what you don't have, what you should have had, it's hard to be objective.  I love reading and I love reviewing and even though I don't have many followers at all, I still do it.  I'll get back to it, in fact, from now on you'll see quite a flood of reviews posted all in the name of catching up and moving forward.  So why have I been absent?  Why the drama?  Something happened in my life that I never thought would happen to me...

My husband is divorcing me.

A decade and two kids in and what I thought I was building has met an earthquake of epic proportions.  Without getting into detail, our marriage is over for various predictable reasons.  The major one being that we're just not compatible any longer.  It's a gross understatement for the emotional upheaval I've felt over the past year plus, but it's the very simplest way of describing what happened with us.  It didn't begin as a mutual decision, but it became one once I realized that you can't beg someone to love you if they don't and won't.  I'm just not the person he wants.

Thank you, Adele, #truth

Knowing what I know now if I could go back to the start, would I have chosen him?  Yeah.  I knew who he was and who he could be, not someone different, just who he would be as he grew and changed through life.  I knew that his strengths were the opposite of my weaknesses and he helped me grow and improve.  His faults were acceptable to me because no one is perfect, least of all me, and I thought he felt the same way.  I don't find it naive in any way to get married young if you know what you're getting into and know that life breeds change.  If you're invested and choose to grow with and alongside someone, there's nothing to say that just because change happens that what you committed to in the beginning won't work later.

Could I have done more to make my marriage work?  Yeah, I mean, there's always something you can do and to show your partner you're invested and willing to work through issues.  But honestly, it comes down to the fact that he just wanted someone else, someone I wasn't nor would ever be.  If he had known who he was and what he truly wanted and what he was really about back when we first got together, I really believe he never would have chosen me.  Sucks, but it's true.

So now I get to piece my life together into a whole new puzzle.  I definitely have hope for the future, my future.  Being pretty much alone in a country where you have close to no one is rough, not gonna lie, but by making a concerted effort to build my own community here I have a chance to create something all my own and I'm looking forward to it.  I fear it, but I'm also determined to not let that fear stop me from finding myself here.

Do I know where I'm going (metaphorically speaking) or what I'm doing?  Hell no.  Am I up for the challenge?  Hell yes.  I'm by no means comfortable with my situation, but isn't that when we grow the most?  I'm sure hoping so.  And along the way I'm ready to completely dive back into my books.  I'm excited to read and find myself moved by synopses now that I was numb to for the past few months.  I've signed my girls up for a fun summer reading program at our local library, I've pretty much maxed out all my libraries' loan limits, and I've got a manageable list of ARCs I'm eager to enjoy.

Here's to hoping...

Life isn't easy, it's definitely not predictable, and it's too short to remain unhappy.  What was a devastating shock is something I'm determined to turn into a personal stepping stone to my best self.  Is there any other way to see it?  What can I say, I'm a realistic optimist.  I do what I want, and what I want is to be happy.  I'll find my happiness and my books will be there to remind me that it's out there somewhere.